STUDENT FOUND AFTER DISCOVERING UNTHINKABLE REALM WITH ENORMOUS FELINES AND THREE DIMENSIONS
By Tatler Wire Reports

Surreal Landscape - A Clone High student was discovered Tuesday in the east parking lot after rescuing the Princess Gremulon from the Castle Fusilor using the amulet of Bathazul recovered from the treasures of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen deep inside a giant, live-action, 3-D cat, whom he defeated by stabbing with a sarcastic Italian talking pencil. (more)

I HEAR IF YOU PLAY DARK SIDE OF THE MOON DURING ANYTHING, IT TOTALLY MATCHES UP
by Jimi Hendrix, The Tatler Music Reviewer

Dude, check this out. You know how you can play Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz, and it totally matches up? Like, if you start it on the third lion roar during the MGM logo, there are like three or four moments where the music kind of syncs up with the visuals, if you think really hard about it and pay really close attention. (more)

STUDENT PROFILE: CAESAR
by Cleo, Campus Life Editor

Hi, y’all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (! <-- one more!!!) Cleo here, back with a new Profilio de Studento. This week, we’re taking a close up look at one of those guys who seems to be popping up everywhere lately, but who many of you, like me, know nothing about!!! I call him... Julius Caesar. (more)

POETRY CORNER
By Abraham Lincoln, Poetry Corner Editor

I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT: I TOLD YOU SO. WELL, ACTUALLY, I DON’T HATE TO SAY IT
by Joan of Arc

You guys, I hate to say it, but: I told you so. I told you guys smoking raisins would only lead you guys down a path of irresponsible frolicking, reckless carousal, and negligent lollygaging. But, no, you guys didn’t listen. You guys had to make your own guys’s mistakes and find out for yourselves what jackasses you guys are. (more)

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: PARENTS SPEAK OUT