Written by Phil Lord & Christopher Miller

When the students learn they can get high from smoking raisins, they embark on a magical, musical journey of irresponsibility. Sober Joan of Arc tries to keep Abe from turning into a cliché drugged-out, tree-hugging hippie, while Principal Scudworth and the PTA build a giant Wall of Oppression to fence the students in. Also, Gandhi goes on an adventure through his subconscious where he encounters a two-headed Olsen Twins monster, an Australian dragon, and a hummingbird-unicorn-donkey creature on his quest to rescue a princess. Just another day at Clone High. (Jack Black and guest stars.)


I could use this space to talk about how MTV mistakenly showed this episode out of order, when they were supposed to air the episode I wrote this week instead, but no, I’m a bigger man than that. Besides, I believe the passive-aggressive way I just mentioned it is sufficient.

I know you, America, were desperately looking forward to my episode, but you shouldn’t let that hinder your love of this one. Many people consider it to be the best Clone High yet. Other people thought it was too weird. Those people need to smoke more raisins.

THE GREATEST JOKE EVER WRITTEN:
This week’s G.J.E.W.:

LARRY HARDCORE: Okay. I work for the Raisin Growers Council. I opened for the California Raisins on their ’89 tour. But these days, the only dancing fruits kids want to see are the Backstreet Boys.

My reason for choosing this joke? Self explanatory.

The only thing that I would like to add is that after this joke, in the first draft of the script, Joan said, “Okay, save it for open mic night.” I really wish that line made it into the final episode.

TWO HEADED THIS WAY
You know the two-headed Olsen Twins monster that Gandhi encounters on his quest through the subconscious? Here are some other ideas that the writers thought of for a two-headed monster:
- Serena and Venus Williams.
- Martina Hingis and Martina Navratalova.
- The Barbi Twins.
- Stephanie and DJ (or Kimmy Gibbler) from Full House.
- Renee Zellweger and Jewel.
- Leelee Sobieski and Helen Hunt.
- Three-headed Destiny’s Child monster.
- The three blonds from Three’s Company that replaced each other.
- Becky and Becky Number Two from Roseanne.
- Lucy Liu and Lisa Ling.
- The Bush Daughters (“we are the daughters of the sun… the son of the president of the United States”).
- Paula Abdul and Jennifer Lopez.
- Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster) and Blossom.
- Tootie and Natalie (name of the monster: Tootalie).
- Tracy Gold and Missy Gold (“the golden daughters of the sun”).

TAKE A DRAGON THIS:
Here are some of the other ideas the writers had for the Stereotypically Australian Dragon on Gandhi’s quest:
- The dragon from Super Mario Brothers.
- A gay weightlifter dragon obsessed with eating well. He wears a muscle shirt. And he should have a piano.
- Maybe a dragon with a really touchy-feely attitude. (“Listen, I don’t want to kill ya, but, you know how it is. Let’s just get it over with. I’ve love to help ya out, but you’re the hero, you got an amulet, and that’s very nice, but I’m a dragon. No hard feelings. Can I get you anything, first? A bagel, biali, a hot kinish? You don’t want to die on an empty stomach, believe me. Are you comfortable? As a formality, I have to challenge you to a duel, but… why don’t we talk about you for a little bit first…” Dissolve to later, when Gandhi is talking about the pressure his family puts on him.)
- Maybe it’s a Bruce Vilanch dragon, and he wears a ridiculous t-shirt.
- Alan Alda dragon.
- Columbo dragon. (“There’s just one thing I don’t understand… oh you’re right, you’re right… but just one more thing…”)
- Rodney Dangerfield dragon who gets no respect.
- John C. McGinley dragon (“Well, gee, newbie, why don’t we go ahead and say you killed me.”)
- Christopher Walken dragon.
- A bad impressionist dragon (“Come on, you know you want me to do Jack Nicholson…” And they have a impression-off.)
- Maybe Gandhi and the Dragon have a dance fight like in Thriller.
- Seinfeld Dragon (“You ever notice how the dragon always defeats the hero? Why do the dragons never wear shoes? Who are these people? And what’s the deal with sugarless chocolate? Who’s that for?” “Uh… diabetics?” And the dragon blows up from defeating his logic.)

TENACIOUS DEXTER
Originally, this script was written for the Say No To Drugs speaker to be Jack Black himself, instead of a fictional rock star. But Jack Black didn’t want to play “himself” in this episode. Maybe that’s because the character turns out to be a drug dealer. Maybe it’s because during his speech, he lists off the drugs he’s done. Maybe it’s just something his manager decided. Whatever the case, it was an easy fix -- all we had to do was rename his character for when Joan introduces him in the assembly scene. Phil and Chris and I (the rest of the writers were gone when this happened) brainstormed lots of rock-star-type names for the character, like Scab and Scar and Spike and Thorn, but we couldn’t think of anything great. We had the last name “Hardcore” but first names were tough. Then Dexter Smith, the artist who designed many of the show’s characters, props and backgrounds, entered the room and, off the top of his head, suggested “Larry.” Larry Hardcore. Brilliant!

SHRINK RAP
In the first draft of the script, when Gandhi eats the magical trail mix and shrinks down, his dialogue went like this:

GANDHI: Wow, I’m shrinking! I know that mass can neither be created nor destroyed, and that even if I could eat something that would make me shrink, my clothes wouldn’t also shrink in proportion, but I’ve decided to go with it!

For one reason or another, that line was shortened in the final draft to just:

GANDHI: Wow, I’m shrinking! And somehow my clothes are also shrinking!

Then, during the recording session, Michael McDonald (who plays Gandhi) ad-libbed this extended ending:

GANDHI: Wow, I’m shrinking! And somehow my clothes are also shrinking in proportion! And my voice is getting higher in proportion to the shrinkage of my clothes and my body!

And America laughed.

JUST KITTEN AROUND
The live-action cat that eats Gandhi is actually the pet of Chris and Phil’s friends, Jim Donnelly and Jill Marshall. Phil and Chris went over to their house one night to shoot the footage, and the cat was very bored and uncooperative, as cats often are. They took a lot of footage of the cat swatting at a toy consisting of a feather on a stick, none of which was used because the swatting part of the scene was cut. It’s probably for the best anyway, because you could see the feather on a stick in the frame. (I’m sure there are ways to get rid of this digitally, but we’re a cheap little MTV show with no special effects budget.) They also took a lot of footage of the cat eating treats and pouncing, which I imagine were the most enjoyable parts for the cat. Ultimately, I think there was about two hours of cat footage, which was edited down to the four or five seconds of pouncing and chomping you see in the completed episode. While most actors would be pissed that the majority of their work ended up on the cutting room floor, I bet this cat was okay with it because he got more attention that night than ever before in his life. If other actors had the same attitude, I think they’d be a lot happier.

MISS ME, GUIDO
If you look in your various television listings, or on TV Tome, you’ll see that there were actually two guest stars in this episode: Jack Black as The Pusher/Larry Hardcore, and Don Novello as The Sarcastic Italian Talking Pencil. Don is a comic legend, known most for his alter-ego character “Father Guido Sarducci.” Unfortunately, this episode ran way long, and many scenes had to be cut, including Don’s scene with Gandhi. His scene was another moment with Gandhi and the live-action cat, and it went like this:

INT. LIVE ACTION KITCHEN WITH CAT - DAY
The cat still waves its claws near Gandhi.
ITALIAN VOICE (O.S.): Use-a me, Gandhi! I can-a help you!
Gandhi sees a mustachioed TALKING PENCIL, who speaks with a thick Italian accent. The pencil is longer than Gandhi.
ITALIAN TALKING PENCIL: Pick-a me up, and use-a me to attack the cat. That’s right.
Gandhi picks up the pencil and points the sharp end towards the cat. The cat swings its paw and snaps the pencil in half.
ITALIAN TALKING PENCIL: Mama mia!
The talking half of the pencil chastises Gandhi from the ground.
ITALIAN TALKING PENCIL: Oh, great. Thanks a lot, Gandhi. Just hold-a me there right up by the claws. No, don’t-a, like, jab at his genitals or anything. That might-a prevent him from smacking me in-a half. That’s really good. No, seriously, really nice work. I’ll just sharpen the end here and be a real short pencil, like-a for golf scores or something.
The cat eats Gandhi. The broken pencil takes a beat.
ITALIAN TALKING PENCIL: Well, now I feel a little-a better about it.

If you feel cheated, like you were looking forward to this episode only to hear Father Guido Sarducci on Clone High like you’d always dreamed of, fear not. You can hear him performing the voice of one of the inmates in episode 10. It’s no Sarcastic Italian Talking Pencil, but it’s something.

NAME THAT TOON
During Gandhi’s trip through his subconscious, he encounters many names of strange places and people that make fun of the way fantasy movies create stupid names for things. These include Geldhemoor the Humkeycorn, The Castle Fusilor, The Princess Gremulon, The Great Rivinojaneelankavel, and The Terrible Dragon Daniel Feldspar. “Rivinojaneelankavel” is actually just the last names of Clone High writer Erica Rivinoja and her boyfriend, Prince Neelankavel. (He’s not an actual prince; that’s just his first name. Though now that I think about it, The Royal Prince Neelankavel sounds like a good fantasy movie name as well.) And Daniel Feldspar isn’t anybody we know; it’s just a funny name for an Australian dragon.

TAKE A LITTLE PIZZA MY HEART
When the parents get high from the raisin fumes, the script called for Abe’s Dad to yell “Who wants to order pizza?!” then repeat the word “pizza” fifty times in a row. Phil thought this was very, very funny. While recording the episode, Joe Flaherty (the well-respected actor who plays Abe’s Dad) did four takes of this line, meaning he yelled the word “pizza” about 200 times. However, the episode was running very long, some things had to be cut, including all 200 instances of Joe Flaherty yelling “pizza.”

HISTORICAL JOKE GRAVEYARD:
While Abe’s parents are confronting Abe about his raisin habit:
ABE’S FOSTER DAD: Abe, why can’t you be more like your foster brother, Lil’ Cesar Chavez?
LIL’ CESAR CHAVEZ: Uvas no!

Say “no” to drugs, and “yes” to sugar products,
~Pun Dog

P.S. To protest MTV putting Clone High on hiatus, I will be putting Pun Dog’s Corner on hiatus until they bring it back. Fight the power!